Introducing the book Getting together and staying together : solving the mystery of marriage(Solving the Riddle of Marriage with Choice Theory) by Dr. William Glaser, Carlin Glaser
Inspired by choice theory, Marriage Without Failure seeks to teach step-by-step ways and means of coping and satisfying coexistence. Studying this book and applying its advice and most importantly, “giving up the psychology of external control” can bring us a happy and joyful married life.
The “theory of choice” (William Glaser) is based on the principle that all human beings are aroused by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun.
Excerpts from this book:
Relationship bonding behaviors
Support: Expressing genuine and genuine interest and attention to your spouse.
Encouragement: Encourage and give hope to your spouse for the effective steps he or she has taken.
Listen: Actively listen to what your spouse is telling you without hasty interpretation or conclusion.
Acceptance: Accepting your spouse as he or she is with all his or her strengths and weaknesses.
Trust: Believing and trusting in the honesty and transparency of the other party and showing this feeling to him.
Respect: The amount of dignity and honor that your spouse has in your eyes, to value his or her external and internal characteristics.
Discussion, Dialogue and Reconciliation: Negotiate and discuss the issue of dispute without threatening or punishing to reach a bilateral agreement.
Three differences between friendship and marriage
1. Marital life, unlike friendship, which is a voluntary, free, and arbitrary relationship, is a legal, moral, and usually religious obligation, so the foundation of marriage is based on external control.
In marriage, unlike friendship, people need to be in close contact with each other and live in the same place.
Unlike breaking up a friendship, breaking up a marital relationship has unfortunate consequences such as alimony and spouse support, child custody, social isolation or religious exclusion, disregard for family members, or division of property.
In fact, long-term friendships are the only human relationship in which we unknowingly apply the theory of choice from the very beginning of friendship.
Dr. William Glaser: When I wrote the first edition of the book Marriage Without Failure in 1994, I asked the members of the institute to write to me anything that contributed to their happy marriage.
Getting together and staying together : solving the mystery of marriage
One of the answers I received was from a happy couple who had been married for more than 26 years. I’m sorry I did not come here.
Based on our experience, we recommend the following:
Celebrate each other’s presence several times a day: exciting greetings, passionate phone conversations, frequent love affairs, singing songs to describe each other. Look for ways to support each other physically and emotionally.
For example: cook your spouse’s favorite food. Drive to work by car in bad weather. Talk about work. Have physical contact with each other while watching TV. Have the courage to get what you want and say what you want and what you want. Say what you think is wrong. Love each other unconditionally.
Do not expect retribution for the amount of love you express for each other. Love and affection must be expressed freely. Give your spouse the freedom to be himself. Accept the differences. Respect the boundaries between you. Look at each other through the eyes of a best friend.
Treat each other like two friends every day. Know how to laugh, joke and rejoice without fear of embarrassment. For example, speak in a fake language, whisper and encourage each other to make a song. Keep the sex alive and always experience acts agreed upon by both parties. Draw your dreams together and enjoy them. .
The first condition for the effectiveness of the teachings in this book is to accept that married life is a choice, and that choice has never been programmed into our genes, and we need to learn about it.
Look around you. People are constantly involved in bad relationships and fights, and they basically go on to the point where they can no longer fix past problems. The relationship is learnable but where to teach us? School?! University?! Family?! Friends?! Answer Unfortunately; There is nowhere.
And since the sources have never been introduced to them or they themselves have not been following this issue, they can identify the body types of personality that it eats or does not eat empirically by entering and leaving relationships. But the trial and error method also leads to many heartbreaks! Play with their own feelings and the feelings of others.
That’s why people themselves have to seek to learn, and if you do not learn, the process of failure will be repeated so much that you will be confused by everything in the relationship and will be banished from one wrong relationship to another without ever knowing where the root of the problem is.
Mr. Glaser explains the right behaviors, how to react to the opposite behavior, bad and destructive habits, etc. in this book in a simple way and in the form of real stories that may happen in the life of each of us.
In this book, Glaser places special emphasis on our theory of choice, saying that all our behaviors are programmed in our genes, we can control (increase or decrease), but in the end we are what we were in the first place.
First, he wants to make a point. You can only correct your own behavior, not the behavior of others !; Do not be tempted to try to change others, but by modifying your own behavior, directly influence the behavior of others.
+ What is the difference between us and other creatures ?!
Animals do not need anyone to teach them how to reproduce, how to look for food, how to take care of themselves because all of this is instinctively programmed in their genes. Just the opposite of humans who need basic necessities such as eating, talking … to learn about sex. And this is what is programmed in our genes: the need to learn. Genes are programmed from generation to generation and shape our behaviors. They can not be changed but can be controlled why.
Excerpt from the book Getting together and staying together : solving the mystery of marriage:
There are five genetic and programming needs that we must strive to meet throughout our lives.
These needs are: 1. The need for love and a sense of belonging 2. The need for freedom 3. The need for progress and self-actualization 4. The need for fun 5. The need for survival
Drawing profiles based on the severity of the needs: By knowing the five needs of yourself and your spouse, you can easily understand where your main problem is. Take a piece of paper and identify these five needs for yourself and your partner. Score; From 1 to 5. Number 1 (very low), 2 (low), 3 (medium), 4 (high) and number 5 (very high). Your profile becomes a five-digit number. For example, if the intensity of all needs is moderate, your profile is 33333, if the intensity of your needs is very high, it will be 55555.
Once you have determined the intensity of your and your partner’s needs, in each of the top 50 needs that you have more than two differences, for example, in the need for freedom you are 5 and your partner is 3, you have a problem because you can not understand them all. , The difference in their needs. And do not think that if you are different, that is, which of you has a problem with his personality, it is not so. Only this need is less. My argument is good at all, you are not bad. We are talking about the role of genes. An example of a book:
Marie finds it difficult to understand why Marie’s high need to express and receive love because she does not receive as much love from Jim as she should, and because Jim has a lower need for love.
Understanding, I think, is the most important condition for a relationship to last. what does it mean? It means knowing the differences, understanding them and talking about them. Definitely hard; Otherwise, the statistics of divorce and numerous and repeated (and endless) friendships between boys and girls were not common.
In the words of Glaser himself:
In our opinion, it is not necessary for a couple to meet all the needs in order to experience a successful marriage. They just need to talk to each other about their incompatible points without humiliating each other and each one having a little patience. If they accept the inconsistent and inconsistent spheres with each other and understand the other side, most of the differences will be resolved.
Creativity is the pulse of a relationship. Surprising, going to a new place you have not been to before, breaking taboos that have been in our brains since childhood about relationships, creativity in sex, etc. can all be part of creativity. Using creativity keeps the relationship fresh.
Allows you to forget the rest of the time, forget the rest of the time together, smile involuntarily, and feel happy to be with her every time she sends a message or you see her. Keep your relationship alive, maybe tomorrow will be too late for that. Glaser says:
Although creativity is a mysterious debate, it forms the basis of our entire lives.
There is more to talk about this book, but I will suffice with a few sentences that I had marked while reading this book, and I leave the pleasure of reading the whole book to you.
Beautiful sentences of the book Marriage without Failure:
Malicious behaviors include:
Criticize 2. Blame 3. Proud and complain 4. Gossip 5. Threaten 6. Punish 7. Pay a ransom to control another
Hence, I find these habits destructive, which, if practiced for a long time, can destroy many married lives. Out of my control they have created it in me and it is not my fault or my own, but my brain is structurally or chemically in such a way that it creates this problem without my wanting it. You can learn more from your successes than from our failures.
Regretting past failures is a waste of precious time that must be spent on creating a satisfying present. Talking is the only solution to the problems of the need for freedom. If the parties do not accept that each needs a certain amount of freedom, their lives will not be satisfied.
People who love each other very much, give each other freedom with satisfaction and feel completely safe in their love, and easily provide each other with the free space they need. I need to know that emotional attachment is also a controlling behavior. By learning choice theory, it helps us fill in the gaps left by our spouse. Coupling Behaviors:
Listening 2. Supporting 3. Encouraging 4. Respecting 5. Trusting 6. Accepting the person as he is 7. Constantly talking about differences, building and maintaining a relationship is vital to our satisfaction and as soon as a problem arises It must be resolved through dialogue and negotiation. We need to change our view, which means that all of us, men and women, use our intelligence and in the current way in life does not work, change our way. I have accepted, according to the theory of choice, that I can only control my own behavior. Being in love requires a lot of attention and precision. Marriage is the most limiting condition that a human being can imagine for himself. I do not look at another person, but I am still free, because I will stay with him exclusively by my own choice. But what leads to the continuation of a satisfying sexual relationship is friendship and intimacy between couples. Treat your spouse the way you treat your best friend. .
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