How to talk so kids will listen listen so kids will talk

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Title: Telling children to hear from children

Author: Adele Faber, Aline Mazlish

Translator: Maryam Saeedi

Publisher: Sima Noor Omid

Subject: Parental behavior, communication between people

Age category: Adult

Cover: Paperback

Number of pages: 269 pages / illustrated

Language Farsi

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Description

How to talk so kids will listen listen so kids will talk is the work of Adele Faber, Ellen Mazlich

Your children have probably given you countless opportunities to put your listening skills into practice. When something bothers children, they usually let us know. And loud and clear. In my house, spending a day with the kids is like going to the theater at night.

A lost toy, a very short haircut, a homework report, jeans that are not quite the right size, a fight with a sibling. Each theme can provide as much as a three-act drama and enough tears. We have never had a deficit in terms of subject matter. The only difference is that it opens in the theater and the audience can return home.

But parents do not get this luxury, and we must somehow endure all these injuries, anger and frustration, and at the same time maintain our consciousness. We now know that the old methods do not work. All the explanations and strengths of the heart do not bring any relief to the children and wear us down.
New methods can also be problematic. Empathy responses are somewhat comforting, but such responses are not yet easy for us. To many of us, this language seems new and strange. My parents told me: “At first I felt as ridiculous as if I did not speak the language myself – as if I were playing a role.

Part of telling the kids, listening to the kids

How to read a book and use it
It may be rude to say how we read the book (especially when we both know we should not start in the middle or go backwards), but since we wrote this book, we preferred to tell you How this book can be useful. After flipping through the book and looking at the drawings, start with the first chapter. Do the exercises as you go.

Resist the temptation to jump off the seasons and get to the better parts. If you have a friend who is in a similar situation to you, it is much better to work together on exercises. I hope you discuss the answers with each other.
We also hope you write down your answers so that this book is a personal history. Write clean and legible. You can change your mind about topics and issues, underline or delete, but be sure to write.

Read the book slowly. We have worked hard for more than ten years to gather our ideas and opinions in this book. Of course, we do not recommend that you spend the same amount of time reading this book. If you like our suggested methods, you can make changes to it. It is much easier to change them all in a short time than to change them all at once.
After reading a chapter of the book, set it aside and think about the previous topic before continuing. (You probably think: with all the work I have put in, this is my only job to sit down and write!) Nevertheless, experience has taught us that in order to gain skill and discipline in practice, writing action results leads to Let these skills become part of us.

Finally, a note about pronouns. We avoided using the words “that girl” and “this boy” and instead referred briefly to the gender of the child. We hope that we have not humiliated both sexes.
You may not know that different parts of this book, written by two people, express the views of one person. This was our way of responding to annoying and difficult issues that we had to constantly identify who had the experiences.
Hence, it seemed to us better to use the word “we” instead of repeating over and over again, “I am Adele Faber … or I am Ellen Mazlich.” We worked in coordination and consensus to prove the value of the ideas in this book. We have both tried these communication methods with our families and with thousands of others, and it is a great pleasure for us to share them with other families.

Chapter One: Helping Children Understand Their Feelings
1. Help children understand their feelings
Part One:
I was a good mother even before I had children. I was an expert on children’s issues with their parents until I had three children.
Man becomes helpless in life with his real children. Every morning I said to myself: Today will be another day because every day was different from the day before. “You gave him more than me!” “… This red glass, I want blue …” “I do not like this soup” … “I do not go to my room. “…” Do not order me! “…” He punches me. “…” I did not touch him at all. »
They eventually exhausted me. Although I could not imagine doing this one day, I joined a group of parents. The group met at a child counseling center and was led by a young psychologist named Dr. Heim Jinat.
The subject of the sessions was the children’s feelings and emotions and lasted for two hours. Confused by a flurry of new ideas and a notebook full of misunderstood ideas, I returned home:
Direct relationship between children’s emotions and their behavior.
Children will also behave properly when they feel right.
How to help children find the right feelings and emotions?
By accepting their emotions!
Issue: Parents usually do not accept their children’s emotions:

For example:
“Do you really think so?” »
“You say this because you are tired. »
“There is no reason for you to go crazy like this. »
The constant denial of children’s feelings can cause them confusion and anger. Also, if we tell them that they do not know how they feel, we have instilled distrust in them.
I remember after the meeting, I thought about the fact that other parents follow these things and I do not. Then I turned my attention to myself. Here are some examples of conversations I had with my children during the day:

Child: Mother, I’m tired.
Me: You are not tired, you woke up now.
Child: (taller) But I’m tired.
Me: No, you’re not tired, just a little sleepy. Come put on your clothes.
Child: (with a shriek) No, I’m tired.

Child: It’s very hot here.
Me: The weather is cold, your heater is in the yard.
Child: No, I’m hot.
Me: I said that you need your heater.
Child: No, I’m hot.

Child: This TV show is boring.
Me: No, it just happened to be interesting.
Child: It was a nap.
Me: It was an instructive thing.
Child: It was nonsense.
Me: Do not talk like this anymore!

Did you realize what happened? Not only did all our conversations lead to arguments, but I also constantly taught my children to rely on me instead of trusting their feelings.
Suddenly, I became aware of what I was doing with my children. I decided to change my method. But I was hesitant about how to do it. Eventually I thought the most practical way was to put myself in their shoes. I asked myself: What would I do if I were a child who was tired or hot or bored and wanted to let the adults who played a major role in his life know about his feelings?

Over the next few weeks, I tried to guess and adapt to what my children were experiencing. When I did, words seemed to come out of my mouth naturally. I did not use a particular method.
When I said, “Even though you just woke up, you still feel tired,” or “I’m cold, but the weather is hot here for you,” or “I was with you, I saw that you did not pay attention to this good TV show.” Besides, we were two separate human beings and we could have two different and separate feelings. With the ability to have two separate feelings. None of us spoke right or wrong. We each felt in our own way.

How to talk so kids will listen listen so kids will talk

For a while, this new skill helped me a lot, and the number of verbal conflicts between me and my children decreased significantly. Until one day my daughter said, “I hate my grandmother.” “Do not talk like that, I do not want such a thing to come out of your mouth anymore. »
This little story taught me something else about myself: I was able to accept many of the children’s feelings and emotions, but as soon as I heard something that made me angry, I immediately went back to my old ways. From then on, I learned that my reaction was not unexpected. On the next page, you will find examples of different sentences that children often use to force their parents to object. Please read each sentence and write down the answer you think parents usually give to their children in denying their feelings.

1- Child: I no longer like this baby who has just been born.
Parents’ answer: (denial of feelings) ………………..
2- Child: You took my birthday party quietly. (When you come out in a group to create a memorable day.)
Parents’ answer: (denial of feelings) ………………..
3- Child: I did a stupid thing! My teacher fired me just because I was two minutes late for the sports class.
Parents’ answer: (denial of feelings) ……………..
4- Child: I am also tired of this dental plaque. I do not cry in my mouth anymore. It bothers me and it does not matter what the dentist says.
Parents’ answer: (denial of feelings) ……………
Your notes should look something like this:

“No, it’s not like that, you love the baby. I know you do not say these things from the bottom of your heart!
Do you know what you are saying? We got the best ice cream and birthday cake for you, as well as balloons. Now that this is the case, look at the birthday and see the birthday party! »
“These plaques do not bother you at all. After all, we spent money on your teeth. So whether you like it or not, you should use it! »

“You should not do these stupid things at school anymore. It’s your fault. You should have been there on time. »
Many of us make such sentences in some way in the current language. But how do children feel when they hear this? To find out how it feels to be ignored, do the following exercises:
Suppose you are in charge. The employer asks you to do something else for him in addition to his usual job and finish it by the end of the day. You want to finish your boss’s order right away, but because of a series of essential tasks, you completely forget about it. Your head is so busy that you barely have time for lunch. Just as you and a few of your co-workers are getting ready to go home, your boss arrives and asks you for a job. You try to explain to him his unusual preoccupation today.

But he interrupts you and shouts at you: “These reasons are for your own good! I do not give you the right to sit comfortably in your chair! As soon as the mouth is open
“Open your mouth to explain,” he says. Then he returns and leaves the room.
Your co-workers pretend they haven’t heard anything. You pack up and leave the office for home. You see friendship on the way. You are still confused on the street when you realize that you are explaining to him what has happened to you.

Your friend can help you in eight ways. Read the answers and adapt it to your immediate reaction. Write down the answers (correct and incorrect reactions do not make sense. What you feel is right for you).
1- Denial of emotion: There is no reason to be angry. This is stupid. You are probably tired and you have to get everything out of the ordinary. You want to make things worse! smile! When you smile, you become more beautiful!
Your reaction: …………….

2- Philosophical answer: You see, this is life. Not everything is to our liking, you have to learn how to get things right. Nothing in the world is perfect.
Your reaction: …………………

3- Advice: Do you know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning you go straight to your boss’s office and say I was wrong. Then you sit down and do what you forgot. Do not do other things. Do not risk your position. Of course, if you want, you can think wisely, and if you want to keep your job, it is better to reassure him that such things will not happen again.
Your reaction: …………………..

4- Question:
“Tell me exactly, what were these immediate ’emergency’ actions that made you forget your boss’ order? »
“Didn’t you know that if you do not do this immediately, it will be blasphemy? »
Has anything like this happened before?
“Why did you leave the room when you had to?” Didn’t you go again to explain? »
Your reaction: …………………..

5- Defending the other side: I understand your boss’s reaction. It is likely to be under severe pressure. You still have a chance not to get too angry.
Your reaction: ………………….

6- Regret: Oh poor thing, it’s so horrible! I’m really sorry about that. I am about to cry.
Your reaction: …………………….

7- Amateur psychoanalyst: Do you know that the real reason for your confusion is that the employer plays the role of father in life and you, as a son, are worried about hurting your father and when your boss blames you, your childhood upbringing Do you think of rejection? Is not that so?
Your reaction: ………………………

8- A sympathetic answer: Oh yes, it is very difficult for a human being to be attacked in front of everyone! Especially after all this pressure! It’s really hard to bear.
Your reaction: ……………………..
You will now recognize your reactions to some of the conversational examples (expressed by others). Now I want to share with you some of the reactions. When I’m upset and angry or hurt in some way, all I do not want to hear is my philosophical and psychological advice and answers or other friends’ views. Such encounters only make me more nervous.

Sorry, sorry. My twisting question makes me defensive, and more than anything, the denial of my feelings by others drives me crazy. My only reaction in such cases is: Oh, forget it. We do not need to talk about it.

But let someone really listen to you. Let someone really
Understand your inner pain and talk about what is bothering you. This will allow you to gradually get out of the mess and calm down and gradually be able to solve problems.
In such cases, I may even say to myself: My boss usually behaves well … I think I should have acted on that report immediately … However, I can not ignore his actions. Well, I go to the office early in the morning and prepare the report before doing anything … but when I take it to his office, I tell him how upset he is with his treatment of me … and to him I say from now on, if he criticizes me, I would be grateful if he would tell me privately.

The flow is the same for our children. If they find our ears to hear what they have to say and hear a sympathetic response. They grow more and better.
But words of sympathy do not come naturally out of our mouths. It is as if these sentences are part of the “mother tongue”. Most of us have a laid back attitude when it comes to painting a picture about ourselves and others. Here are some ways to help children rely on how they feel.

“With the help of emotions”
1- Listen carefully.
2- Confirm their feelings with a word. “Ah” … “Hmm … Mm” … “Right …”.
3- Express the feelings of children in a phrase.
4- Fulfill their dreams imaginatively.
In the following pages, you will see the difference between these methods and the ways that people usually choose to respond to a child who is in an abnormal situation.

Instead of almost listening
Explaining problems to someone who “apparently” listens to us can be frustrating.

Listen carefully

Explaining the problems is much easier for the parents who are really listening. Most of the time, silence out of empathy is what the child needs.

Instead of asking questions and giving advice

It is difficult for children to think clearly and positively while someone is admonishing or blaming them and questioning them.

Acknowledge the children’s feelings with the words, “Oh … well done.”

There is a lot of help in the simple expression of oh … oh … well … words like these (along with acknowledging their feelings) are an incentive for the child to discover his thoughts and feelings and possibly find solutions to his problems.

Instead of denying emotions

It is strange! When (even kindly) we ask the child to forget his unhappiness, the child seems to be more upset.

Express children’s feelings in a phrase

How to talk so kids will listen listen so kids will talk

Usually parents do not give such answers because they are afraid that things will get worse if they respond to their feelings. But it is just the opposite. A child who hears words for what he has experienced is deeply comforted because he sees that someone has become aware of his inner feelings.

Instead of explaining and using logic

When children want something that could not be provided for them, adults usually try to explain logically why it is not possible. The more we explain, the more they insist on their request.

Fulfill the wishes of children imaginatively.

Sometimes if someone understands how much your heart desires something, it becomes easier for you not to get it.
There are four possible ways you can help your troubled child: Listen carefully. Confirm their feelings by saying a word. By naming their feelings. And by fulfilling their dreams imaginatively.
But more important than saying any word is our attitude. If our treatment of the child is not part of our deepest sympathy, the child will take our statements for granted. Our words evoke a real sense of empathy when our goal is to win the hearts of children.

Of the four ways you can now see the image, perhaps the problem
Perhaps the most difficult of these is listening to and expressing the feelings and emotions of children. Practice and concentration are needed to be able to comprehensively understand what the child is saying and to recognize what he is feeling. Just as teaching children a few words is important for expressing them and understanding their inner feelings. When children have words to express their experiences, they can begin to help themselves.
The next exercise is six sentences that the child is likely to say to their parents. Please read the sentences and evaluate the answers.

1) One or two words that express the child’s possible feelings.
2) A phrase that reflects your understanding of the child’s feelings.
Confirmation of feelings and emotions
The child says: ………………….
The word expresses the child’s feelings
Use the word in a phrase that shows that you understand his feelings. (Do not ask or advise).

1) I really want to punch Michael in the nose.
………………

2) Because of a small rain that came, the teacher said we will not go out for a walk, stupid woman ‍‍!

……………………………..

3) Mary invited me to her party, but I do not know …

………………………………..

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